I suffer from road rage. If someone cuts me off or slows me down I am ready to run them off a cliff. One second I’m polite and “normal”, the next I am a steering-wheel-banging fool. Trouble is my rage is not confined to my driving, it permeates my entire life. I need help. And I need it NOW.
Waiting is torture. Forced inactivity infuriates me. My days are too full and my life is too short to get stuck behind grandma doing 30 in a 50 mph zone, or delayed by a store clerk who is chatting to the person in front of me. And while I love music, listening to instrumental mush while my doctor’s office keeps me on hold for 20 minutes gives me an ulcer. I value my time, everyone else should too.
In a perfect world there would be nothing to ignite my rage. Drivers would know how to merge, and children would never spit at each other. But this is not a perfect world, so I need to learn some coping techniques fast. I need to relax, and cultivate the peace that comes with “letting go”.
Letting go. It sounds so easy. But relinquishing control of circumstances takes immense patience and faith, two qualities which barely show up on my personality radar. Does it count if I have faith that my three-year-old will always test my patience? I think the key is to trust that while things may not turn out as planned, they will often turn out for the best. That of course does not include my latest hairdo.
Since I am not a “natural” at letting go I’m going to need some practice. Fortunately my life is filled with opportunities to “let go”. For example, when my toddler drips pancake syrup all over the carpet and the cleanup takes ten minutes out of my day, I can let go of my anger and replace it with prayer (I’m down on my knees anyways). And when my husband double books himself and is unable to watch the kids as promised, I can practice deep breathing while I let go of the dream of eating a meal that doesn’t come with a toy.
I’ve only been letting go of my rage for a short time but I have noticed some progress. Occasionally I have been able to embrace my realities instead of fight them. Like when I got stuck in traffic a few days ago: my anger bubbled up, but I was able to refocus on the great tunes on my radio and the rhythmic snoring of my kids in the backseat.
I am still a work in progress. Despite moments of calculated calm, going with the flow is still surprisingly painful for me. I want to visit Africa . . . now. I want to lose those extra 20 pounds . . . now. I want my son to be potty trained . . . now. And if you cut me off I’m still likely to rev my engine to get in front of you again. But I’m more at peace than I used to be. My life isn’t easier, but my attitude is better.
If nothing else I am learning that life is a journey, not a destination. I am determined to enjoy the view along the way no matter how congested the freeway is. I’m going to try and accept that I’m going to get where I get, whenever I get there. And now that I’m learning to let go and embrace the moment, I’m going to get there happy. “Hey moron, this is my lane.” Sorry. Where were we?
