Thanksgiving is a delightful time of year. It is a time when family and friends come together to devour a defenseless bird and test the storage capacity of their stomachs. To help you get the most out of your harvest celebration I have written a Thanksgiving dinner survival guide.
TIPS FOR HOSTESSES
Be Selective. Only invite nice people. Your guests will thank you. And if you absolutely have to invite your loud and obnoxious Uncle Fred seat him at his own table . . . in the back yard.
Don’t Over Do It. Literally. Don’t over cook your bird. There is nothing worse than a gobbler than can’t be gobbled. Better to ignore your guests and keep tabs on your turkey than be a social butterfly serving a bird carcass for dinner.
Don’t Try to be Creative. Make sure your family’s favorites are on the table with a taste they recognize. No one wants surprises, especially when expectations are high and blood sugar levels are low. Put jelly beans in the candied yams some other day.
Don’t Over Decorate. People want food, and they don’t want to fight with an overgrown center piece to get it.
Lock Up Your Pets. Doggy drool has a way of dampening a person’s appetite. So before the food comes out make sure Fido and his overactive salivary glands are safely locked in a distant part of your home. Give your cat the boot too. Watching a cat cough up a fur ball is another disgusting appetite suppressant.
Provide Lots of Comfortable After Dinner Seating. When your guests roll themselves away from your table they will need a comfy place to digest their food. The post-feeding recovery area should allow your guests to get into a semi-horizontal position before their buttons pop off.
TIPS FOR GUESTS
Wear a Patterned Shirt. Thanksgiving dinner is usually an orgy of food and drink consumed at warp speed. It is inevitable that something is going to miss the mark and end up on your shirt. A patterned fabric will hide the stain and allow you to continue inhaling your food without delay.
Wear an Elasticized Waistband. Consuming five pounds of food in less than 10 minutes requires a waistband that can go with the flow. Elasticized pants or skirts will allow you to remain comfortable while your weight topples into the “obese” category. If you leave your elastic at home DO NOT place a napkin on your lap and unzip your pants. Not only is it drafty, it can be quite embarrassing if you stand up before you put everything back in place.
Share. If there are more potatoes on your plate than on the serving dish you need to put some back. Hoarding is for squirrels and the IRS, not dinner guests.
Take Small Portions. If you are eating at a friend’s or relative’s home for the first time, go slow. You don’t want to load your plate with a fine looking selection of inedible food. Small portions can be casually shoved around your plate and then discreetly hidden beneath a napkin.
Try Not to Gag. If you find yourself with a mouthful of foul fare, you’ve got to get it down without drawing attention to yourself. Fight the reflex to spit it out and do not cough or act like you have a chicken bone lodged in your throat. Gagging and excusing yourself from the table for medical reasons is the coward’s way out of a nasty meal.
Don’t Be a Turkey. People want to eat turkey, not listen to it. Don’t monopolize the conversation and don’t tell a joke you’ve told a hundred times. If in doubt . . . shut up.
Keep Your Body Noises to Yourself. Burping, belching, and passing gas are strictly forbidden. No one wants to hear the workings of your gastro intestinal system. And while your hostess wants you to feel at home, there is a limit.
TIPS FOR TURKEYS
R-u-u-u-u-n!!!!!!!!
Thanksgiving dinner is not for amateurs. It takes skill and finesse to maneuver through the social and culinary intricacies of this American tradition. So read the Thanksgiving dinner survival guide until you know it by heart. Then put on your spandex and tackle that turkey. Gobble. Gobble.
